Your apartment is definitely not an option coz lets assume you have a roommate who probably doesnt feel great about it. Can you actually trust people to say what they mean and not get mad because youre not a mind-reader? People seem to vary widely, so Im a big proponent of Ask, not Guess. I am so so glad I never lived in those days, and that people who know me understand that Hello friend, I am here now, drop the thing you were doing and climb stairs and corral pets and get dressed if you werent wearing something street-appropriate and break your focus because after all, it will only be for a chat on the front porch! does not fill me with joy. AT the very least, we are going to go VERY low contact. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. I picked this up with friends who were perpetually late unless they got explicit reminders, though Im old enough now not to have patience for that kind of thing. @bunwat and @Anna Sthetic You guys are hilarious!! I dont think you did it deliberately or out of meanness, but it can feel that way when youre trying to African Violet someone without telling them thats what youre doing. What was once acceptable dropping in randomly, a friendly chat over the mail, etc. From my own life, Im a person who likes hosting but deeply disliked the conversation I had: Hey, Ive been wanting to watch This Old Movie, do you want to watch it with me? Sure, Im free all weekend Great, Ill be over at 3. How to get invited without asking If someone is talking about plans around you, you can try to drop hints to prompt them to invite you. Yes to all this. 1. After reading how to get a girl to come over to your house, don't take it for granted. It can put the person organizing an event in an awkward position to be asked by someone if they can be invited. In general, guys are simple-minded and you will have to steer them in the direction you want. Just Im coming over to do/help with/talk about x,y, and z. and Id have to scramble for an excuse. However, as long as I have time to grab a shower and put on my going outside pants, you arent really imposing here. But I fight against that urge, because, if they are going to be my friend, they might as well see my clutter up front and be okay with it. She knows because she has been explicitly told so and reacted not by feeling embarrassed and trying to learn how to navigate social boundaries better but by punishing people for telling her until it becomes easier to just leave things alone. But I agree with above commenters, its both cultural and individual. Youre going to show our friend the bike and then ride away on your bike. I shame-clean in front of people all the time. I just feel like it's a bit rude without even asking N's mom to come over (We are still in high school, so we still live with parents) I would never want to interrupt anything N's mom has going on at her house that day. She, the etiquette queen, would leave me hanging for months before answering. Yeah, my schedule generally involves napping for several hours in the middle of the day. Tell her, politely and kindly as you would for anyone else, that she wasnt actually invited to the event. Its come to the point where I feel like I have to leave the curtains drawn and basically hide in the house all day. I think thats a polite expression though. If the event involves just your one friend, and a handful of their friends you don't really know. Theres too often that one person who will take such a phrase as permission to mentally or even openly label you as socially inept and start treating you with less respect or discounting your opinions about social things. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. She suffers from anxiety and depression so I understand why this is but finding a balance between pestering her and having any contact at all is proving hard. That depends a lot on the setup of your home/street. Lets see I have body pump at ten stop at the store home at noon, shower yeah how about one, one thirty? do not show up at 12:30. If she does make plans with you and invest something into the friendship, I think switching to Im going to be in your area running errands, want to meet for coffee/lunch/whatever? is going to prevent any future issues. So then I instinctively want to police myself away from being That Person, etc.). Ideally, if possible, you should be on the look-out for their car and come out as soon as you see them. I think she was taken aback when I said Its a church wedding so of course its open to the public anyone in the congregation can attend. She was angling for a personal invite. Does she ever reciprocate, either by visiting you or by explicitly inviting you? Not asking if the woman feels safe meeting at home. Dating is awkward in every stage of life. Examples: Oh, Im in the neighborhood, Ill just come by your house. No. My neighbors friends all seem to find a perfect place to park while going in to get their friends: RIGHT THE HELL IN FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY SO THAT I HAVE TO DO SOME WEIRD STEERING WHEEL MANEUVERING TO PARK MY DAMN CAR. Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. Or if I say, to, in a completely made-up situation, to my dads sweet elderly Midwestern cousin, Oh sure come over for lunch the next time you have to be in town to go to the VA. Oh. I know a lot of friends who would hate to have that surprise. "You know where he lives?'' "No. I am definitely guilty of the are we still on thing. I am having a problem with it at the moment though. Big +1 on the relevance of the increasing distance here. Call or ask the guy in person. Ive drifted into the no stopping by my place unless plans were arranged in advance/there is an emergency field, and I think it was because when I was growing up, there was a family of relatives who would come over to our house, unannounced, sans invitation, CONSTANTLY. What counts as nothing pressing? Maybe they want to go home and do a Netflix marathon or something. Also, usually I dont have pants on. On the flip side I think I need to be nicer to my 6 year old. It may very well be that this particular incident wasnt a huge issue in itself, but your friend doesnt want to let a pattern develop that will be painful to break out of. Those good old days are likely to have sucked for people with anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue. Seriously. so definitely think you are spot on with your advice and response here, especially about letting her be the one to reach out next. She made it to the wedding, informed me the night before she was supposed to arrive at my house that she would be staying with someone else, and left the wedding early. While I am still in the shower. For me, it is always better to err on the side of asking first. I definitely feel like there are certain things I shouldnt have to tell people no about, justified or not. We were working adults with careers, although not particularly demanding ones. I totally agree with youthat comment seemed kind of shamey, like things were so much better when people actually talked to each other kind of thing that we get when the topic of talking to strangers comes up. She is MUCH better about it now, because for about a year she was being left off of invitation lists completely because everyone got so tired of dealing with her vile, unpleasant, and eventually abusive boyfriend. Maybe there are sub-groups within the group that function well together, and the person is only inviting one particular sub-group. 26) My car is broken. Right now Im having major problem with my cousin- she thinks she should be able to drop by whenever she wants, with no call ahead (and then delights in judging my life and telling the rest of the family that Im failing as a caretaker to my mother.) Its definitely been the type of thing where they expect four people to join them for their birthday dinner and BAM, Clueless Cousin is there already. Plus, this way, your fun activity is already planned out. Britney: Well, now youre awake, so get ready and lets go. You want things to go right for T, and your son to be happy with the results as well, and leave T wanting more. I never had anyone randomly search my room, but I too have privacy as a trigger (my issues growing up are a pale shadow of what you went through), and boy do I understand. My gran is old-fashioned enough that she has actual calling cards with nothing but her name on them, so if she drops by someones house and theyre not home, she tucks the card in the doorframe to let them know she was there. I seem to decode unsolicited advice as a show of caring and a genuine interest in my needs. I think that actually makes me LESS amenable to unexpected interruptions at home because Ive already used up all my people-dealing-with fuel fielding the expected-but-not-planned interactions at work. Like you could ask how about a homemade meal and the latest movie at your place on Saturday night?It takes guts to ask that question and be sure to know what to wear to his place for dinner. But thats not whats happening here. And very rarely is the answer reschedule. And if Im definitely not in the mood to hang out, its painfully awkward for everyone involved if I have to ask you to go away. But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. But youre still changing their plans when you do that, youre just changing them in a way that is more difficult to say no to. You are not stupid. I absolutely dont want to be visited at work, ever, by anybody. You know this, I'm sure . People literally opened each others front doors and let themselves in. It will be more than awkward the first few times. Just stop trying. This kind of stuff is hard, but I firmly believe that there are solutions that will make everyone happy without anyone having to feel ashamed of their preference, goddamnit. Learn everything about your strengths, desires, and shortcomings. The nice thing about a heads-up text is that its universally appropriate. If a loose, friendly group regularly go out for lunch at work, or meet for drinks afterward, it's probably alright to come along one day. Dont demand. No way. Ugh, why cant people do exactly what I want them to?? Visits are preceded by five days of anxiety, and followed by days of needing to be loved, and held, and told that I am a good person, and that my parents are shitlords. If you can improve the overall social impression you make you'll give yourself more leeway to invite yourself to things. I say invite T.! At this point I just put all the blame on my ridiculously small washing machine, and any time I dont want company I claim Im stuck doing laundry allll day so I simply couldnt possibly or no one will have clean pants. Since then, I always ask my family if they want me to come or us both if theyre not clear about it. It didnt occur to me before you said it, but it could totally be a function of the fact that Im not so plugged in with most of my friends lives when Im not hanging out with them face to face. I get the idea that her family does this oftenand the stress it causes is palpable. This feeling is only exaggerated when you know that Santa is going to be visiting your house and bringing you gifts. That suggestion is for adults who dont know each other all that well, not close friends like your son and T., and not children. Inviting yourself over to her place. come on. Just wanted to say that as someone with a (diagnosed) anxiety disorder and various other other mental health issues who had their teen years in those days/that sort of a culture, I also miss them. If you cant, at least call to update me! When I was young it was normal to go knock on someones door, but you always either invited them outside to play or over to your house, you never invited yourself in. She still isnt invited and she still isnt coming in. Housework is one of the first things to fall by the wayside both for my anxiety and my partners depression. This is a hard one, sometimes. If we visited someone, it was meticulously prearranged and we would show up on the very dot of the agreed-upon time not a minute sooner, not a minute later. Especially since I kind of see him as a big brother to me. If I couldnt find one, I resented her when shed eventually show up and felt guilty about it. Tell him you have a commitment and will need to leave his place by a certain time. In my nMoms reality, faaaaaaaaaaaamily can just pop in any time of day or night, and call you whenever they like, too. Sure, you dont have to manage peoples feelings, but planning a movie marathon for you, Chewy, Chip, and Fred when Dale and George are sitting with you and generally part of the gang seems oddyou do have peoples numbers and know how to use the group message function? Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. My rule of thumb is to not go anywhere where I have not been expressly invited (kind of like the vampires in the Captains hilarious trailer). Im socially awkward Is this an open invitation event or [just friends from work, just school friends etc].. You don't want to seem desperate, more like you think it sounds interesting and may drop by, but if you can't come it's no big deal, and it wouldn't mortally offend you or anything. But only she knows why she reacted that way. Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. His dads Belgian and his mums Irish and he grew up in Ireland but went to university in Belgium and hes been working in Austria for the last five years but he spends a lot of time in Ireland and I have NO IDEA which version he was using and I dont have his phone number!. Eventually the pursued individual just grows weary of all the unwanted attention, and starts responding sharply (if they respond at all) when the other person wont gracefully take the hint and back off. And when someone turns up unannounced, without invitation, I do worry that the person might have a wildly different balance of needs to me, and that responding positively the first time sets up a precedent and an understanding that I am Cool With That. Someone surprises me at work: delightful surprise that breaks up the tedium of the day. 1. Sadly, society doesnt really have a script for ending platonic friendships. They could still knock on our door, my roommate could knock on their door, but in that and a lot of other ways I had to follow a different set of rules and it was really hurtful. Its like, oh for gods sake, just knock on the fucking door at this point, its not like I can text you go away when youre standing AT MY DOOR. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway, However, if I am waiting for you to pick me up, please do not text me to say you are waiting. I love short-notice hangouts, with close friends or family who I feel comfortable saying no way, my house is a sty and I wanna have a nap to if I need to, but hearing a knock at the door when Im not expecting anyone makes my blood pressure skyrocket. I wrote letters. Im lucky to live in nyc, where that is more likely to be understood. In that case, politeness would dictate that the person picking up the other person would walk to the door and ring the bell. You dropped in and your neighbors offered you a Coke and you laughed and chilled out for half an hour and then you left. It is weird, and faintly uncomfortable, and i never for a minute regretted it. Ohhhhhhh yeah. To be honest, Id be really freaked out if I found out someone I was friends with was apparently judging me for not dropping by. Like . If the LW texted and asked if she could come by, thats definitely still inviting herself over. I have a friend whose cousin will consistently show up to small gatherings dinner parties or tiny birthday parties, cocktail outings for girls nights out because they were mentioned to her and she decided that, having been mentioned to her, this was enough to consider herself invited. Having my room tossed like I was a prisoner in a maximum security prison (into my twenties) means that drop-ins wont ever happen. How to Get Over a Guy You Had a Crush on Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. The etiquette of invitations varies widely as to region, culture, relationship & history, personality, not to mention cellular phone ownership and use, and its a particular minefield for people who have anxiety around and/or trouble reading nonverbal or unwritten social cues. That was the only time they did a drop-in. Down. Even if I were OK with hugs, I wouldnt want to be repeatedly visited at work to hug if nothing else, that would likely be viewed as incredibly unprofessional and quite likely disruptive to collegues. About three weeks out, I did a last run through the response list, and figured out that one friend who I had been discussing the wedding with had never responded. So, Id be interested to know how to handle someone once theyve already shown up, uninvited and not particularly wanted, to social events. Are you going to start showing up at my home when I was counting on alone time and I look like a raggedy doofus because Im wearing an old tank top and a sports bra? I asked her something along the lines of oh gods, what have you been thinking of me these last months, with all the details and no invite? If someone hosts a party, Im tired, is a pretty universal sign to wrap things up. Which goes to show how very individual the boundaries are. Maybe she feels encroached upon for other reasons, and shes afraid that letting you drop by her house will open the door to frequent drop-bys in the future. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). Someone makes a small mistake, the other lets her know about her displeasure, and you go back to being best buddies. Im inattentive-type ADD. I had a best friend from grade school straight through college. Shes not quite as clueless as she comes across. So we were both missing eachother and thinking the other didnt want to be friends anymore. CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE MADE PLANS TO SEE A FUNNY MOVIE. Want to hang out? I politely umed and how niced all the while thinking to myself, you realize that you are telling how much fun the party you didnt invite me to was, right? Ive struggled with that, too. You may get his favorite game and invite yourself over so that he can show you how to play. If it werent for the fact that shes very understanding about how introverted I am it would bug the hell out of me, and if we werent close friends if probably be mysteriously perma-busy after a few occasions of this (after trying Use Your Words, depending on how much I cared about the friendship.) I cant wait until we have the house finished so I can start locking the door again. Kids social relationships are fraught with pitfalls! Its safer in any situation to assume a no unless you give me an explicit yes. And started pointedly talking about being hungry around 7pm. but even adults have feelings, and if you expect someone to be your friend you should treat them like one. I am not at your beck and call. But I did start noodling around on Twitter more recently, and all of a sudden I started getting more invites from my friends who use Twitter as much as I do. It would be lovely to not have fear and anxiety due to an upbringing that showed me that I had no right to privacy, and choices or control over my life. Most of the time its a welcome treat and diversion in my day. Perhaps its an issue of having strong boundaries, not sure. This. "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." (Proverbs 25: 15) Im in the I love random visitors camp, but Ive also got a very strong case of friends accept me as I am fallacy when it comes to those unexpected visitors intersecting with chores. Remember to be also clear about when you intend to arrive and take your leave so that he does not feel bombarded. Pack a bag for your sleepover. Wow, yeah, SO relationships can be really fraught, indeed. For example if someone is hosting a small dinner party, you probably shouldn't ask if you could attend at the last minute. 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Handful of their friends you do n't really know then you left the neighborhood Ill... Marathon or something definitely feel like I have body pump at ten stop at the minute.
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